The Amazing Idiots - Goin' Blind (1999)

by The Amazing Idiots

The Amazing Idiots - Goin' Blind (1999) cover art
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    Please enjoy the immediate download of the full 12-songs-about-masturbation (+1) album [The Amazing Idiots - Goin' Blind] along with a ton of extra hidden BONUS TRACKS (OK, only 16 Bonus tracks) from the gang, in your choice of 320k mp3, FLAC, or just about any other format you could possibly desire, for only $4.99.

    WARNING: Parental guidance is recommended as these songs deal with the very common, and very healthy, practice of masturbation.

    *** Download includes full liner notes and all lyrics (in .pdf format) plus all 16 bonus tracks (mostly little snippets of the Idiots goofin' between songs), as well as the cover art.

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about

"The Amazing Idiots go to eleven!" - Nigel Tufnel;

"Sweet Dude - you Idiots totally kick ass!" - Trey Parker;

"Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, .. say no more!" - Eric Idle;

"... ..." - Silent Bob;

"This collection of songs is the definitive answer to that timeless question: "What would happen if Monty Python and Frank Zappa had gotten together to record an album about safe-sex for 'School House Rock.'"
- Centennial Music News

credits

released 09 September 1999
©1999 Dangerous Records;

Produced by Jon Mark Lundell;

Mastered by Tommy Dorsey at Masterphonics (Nashville)

The Players:

Dallas Doctor - Acoustic & Electric Guitars, Keyboards; Lead Vocals on "Goin' Blind," "Jackin' Off," "M-m-m-m-Masturbation" & "James Bond;"

Dan Bauman - Bass; Insults and Lead Vocals on "Bad Monkey" and "Rosie;"

Andy Harris - Your Host, MC, Drums, & Lead Vocals on "Party in My Pants;"

Shannon Massey - Harmony Vocals and Lead Vocals on "Toys," "Shower Massage" & "Cotton Candy Love;"

Kimberly Meador - Harmony Vocals and Lead Vocals on "Rockin'" & "Love Yourself;"

Melissa McPhail - Cover Model, Backing vocals, Panting & Sighing;

Scott W. Carter - Stage Manager, Techie Guy & Lead Vocals on "Deacon Balls;"

Jon Mark Lundell - Producer, Engineer, Talk-Back-Mic-Operator, Backing Vocals & Drums on "Party in My Pants" & "James Bond;"

And we MUST also, not only include, but MIGHTILY thank, and send some BIG-ASS LOVE out to those "lucky" few who toured with us either before and/or after the recording, but have no liability or responsibility whatsoever (although Wade is partially guilty) with regard to THIS PARTICULAR SILLY RECORD, and who can say, with a straight face, "It Wasn't Me":

Grant Long - Drums
Wade Summerlin - Bass
Jody Lundell - Guitars
Destiny - Vocals & giving the guys a reason to watch
Tyrus Smalley - Audio & Lighting
and Ben Beepty-How-How-Howe - Everything!

tags

tags: comedy fun masturbation pop rock silly singer-songwriter New York

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all rights reserved

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about

Dallas is an interesting guy. As a teenager, he was lead singer in "Sounds of Freedom," who appeared on The Ed Sullivan ... more Show, and in his 20s, he toured internationally with Dick Clark Concerts. Over the years, Dallas has performed with many legendary acts including The Beach Boys, Hall & Oates, Three Dog Night, and a great many others. Today, he lives and performs in New York City. less

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Track Name: Goin' Blind
Goin’ Blind
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
You used to dress up
In lingerie
Put on music - light candles
And blow me away
I still remember - those nights
And I still feel that emotion
Now I haven’t got you
But I got some lotion

(Chorus):
So Babe if you don’t love me
That’s just fine
I’ll be right here in my room
Goin’ Blind
And you know where I am
So if you ever change your mind
I’ll be right here in my room
Goin’ Blind

(Verse 2):
When we first met
I felt you were the one
We had some good times
Oh girl, we had fun
You were the best
This boy had ever seen
But now you’re gone
And I’m runnin’ out of Vaseline (Chorus):

(Bridge):
Baby come back (spank, spank)
I’m still thinkin’ about you (spank, spank)
Baby come back
While you ‘been gone
I ‘been practicin’ without you
Baby come back
But Baby don’t be long
Better come back soon
Or I’ll have to go out and buy a dog … (Chorus):
Track Name: Jackin' Off
Jackin’ Off
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor & Bird & McDonald
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Intro):
You ripped out and stomped on
And tore up my heart
When you told me
You found your charming prince
So now that your fairy tale
Has fallen apart
You say that you want to know
What I’ve been up to since …

(Chorus 1):
I ‘been Jackin’ Off
Beatin’ my meat
Teasin’ the weasel
Creamin’ the sheet
Jerkin’ the gherkin
And jigglin’ the jug
I ‘been slappin’ the snake
I ‘been tuggin’ the slug
I ‘been doin’ the knuckle-shuffle
Tunin’ the horn
Pullin’ the pud
And shuckin’ the corn
Molestin’ the monster
And milkin’ the moose
I ‘been poppin’ the cork
I ‘been squirtin’ the juice

(Verse 1)
Well I see beautiful women, everywhere I go
But they never want me, so they never know
That I’m a sex machine
Hell, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout startin’ a team
So ya, … ya try to talk to ‘em, ya ask ‘em out
You wanna go with ‘em, but you end up goin’ without
It’s sad, but it’s true
I guess women must whack off too ..

(Chorus 2- Girls):
Yeah we’ll be brushin’ our beavers
Rollin’ the dough
Flickin’ the bean
And ticklin’ the taco
Rubbin’ the nubbin’
And feedin’ the goat
Doin’ the two-finger-tango
With the man-in-the-boat
We’ll be itchin’ the ditch
Circlin’ the knoll
Slappin’ the mackerel
And fillin’ the fox-hole
We’ll be paddlin’ the pink canoe
Oh yeah, women, whack off too ..

(Verse 2):
So this goes out
To all my lonely sisters
While you’re clubbin’ your clams .. (Guys)
We’re fistin’ our Misters!
It’s a problem I understand
I got the solution – in my hand

(Chorus 3):
I ‘been jackin’ Off
Jammin’ the ham
Chokin’ the chicken
Slammin’ the spam
Somebody hand me that
Magazine
And gimme some soap
I’ll come clean
I ‘been lubin’ the tube
I ‘been floggin’ the log
Shinin’ the shaft
And washin’ the dog
For Jackin’ Off, you don’t need no .. latex, lubricated, form-fitting, ribbed-for-her-pleasure, sanitized-for-your-protection, with a stupid sort’a’reservoir-tip for fifty-cents in a gas station bathroom vending machine kind of rubber glove …

‘Cuz when you’re Jackin’ Off …
You’re havin’ sex with someone you love!
Track Name: Deacon Balls
Deacon Balls
Music & Lyrics by Scott Carter, Dallas Doctor, & Jon Mark Lundell
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
Lemme tell ya little story ‘bout a friend o’ mine
He’s always hangin’ around
His name is Deacon Balls
He’s sometimes up, and sometimes down
Ol’ Deacon is my right-hand-man
He always brings a smile
He points at things in magazines
And stares at the ceiling tile ..

(Chorus):
And we go:
Doo-whack-a–doo-whack-a
Doo-whack-a–doo-whack-a-
Doo-whack-a– Deacon Balls ..
Doo-whack-a–doo-whack-a
Doo-whack-a–doo-whack-a-
Doo-whack-a– Deacon Balls!

(Verse 2):
We met this girl a few weeks back
Her name was Candy Butts
She said she didn’t like us
And that both our friends were nuts
So we went back to our place
But our heads were still held high
Then I grabbed ”Ol’ Deac” around his neck
And looked him in the eye .. ( Chorus);

[Jazz Break]
“Yoo Hoo – You boys kick butt!”
“You boys is bad as Hell!”
“That ain’t no Hank Williams Song!”
“Play some Skynrd, man!”
“Yee Haw!”
“What the Hell is that crap?”
“You sat on my beer!“ -- (Chorus ):
Track Name: Toys
Toys
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)
(Intro):
I’m never gonna put my Toys away
I’m gonna save ‘em for a rainy day
I’ll never – never put my Toys away

(Verse 1):
When I was young
When my life had just begun
My Mother always told me to put my Toys away
But I was just a kid
So I never did
I turned and went directly out to play ..

(Chorus):
I’m never gonna put my Toys away
I’m gonna leave ‘em layin’ around
So when no-one comes over
I’ll know where they can be found
I’m never gonna put my Toys away
I’m gonna save ‘em for a rainy day
I’ll never – never put my Toys away

(Verse 2):
So now I’ve grown
And sometimes, I’m alone
There never was a man could make me stay
And even though that part is his
Ya know, the best part of it is
I never have to put my Toys away! (Chorus):

(Bridge):
The other night, I met a man
Before I knew it, things got out-a-hand
He came and went, without delay
And even though, I know he tried
Ya know he left me less-than-satisfied
So I’m never gonna put my Toys away .. (Chorus):

(Tag):
No I’ll never –
Never put my Toys away.
Track Name: Rockin'
Rockin’
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
Sittin’ in class, and oh what a bore
Goin’ out of my mind, I can’t take any more
And just when I think I’ll never get through
I suddenly find somethin’ to do ..

(Chorus):
I start Rockin’
Nice and slow
I start Rockin’
So no one will ever know
That I’m Rockin’
Ready or not
I start Rockin’
Ooo -- That’s the spot!

(Verse 2):
I’m drivin’ home, I bet you can guess
A traffic jam, and oh what a mess
I’m sittin’ here, I’m tied to the wheel
I suddenly find something to feel (Repeat 1st Chorus):

(Bridge):
You can rock at work
You can rock in your car
You can rock in a restaurant
Or wherever you are
It’s a magical feelin’
That you don’t have to force
When you get good at Rockin’
It’s like ridin’ a horse.

(Chorus 3):
So keep Rockin’
Nice and slow
Keep Rockin’
So no one will ever know
That you’re Rockin’
Ready or not
Just start Rockin’ ….
Ooo -- That’s the spot!

[Ad lib Rockin’] - - (Repeat Chorus 3 without last line).
Track Name: Cotton Candy Love
Cotton Candy Love
Music & Lyrics by Shannon Massey, Dan Bauman, & Dallas Doctor
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
I went shoppin’ at the local mall
Searchin’ for some polish to buy
When I saw the most amazing color
Out the corner of my eye
Cotton Candy pink - tastes real sweet
Cotton Candy pink - just can’t be beat

(Chorus):
Cotton Candy Love
Better than any guy
Cotton Candy Love
God I hope I don’t go blind

(Verse 2):
Minutes later, my boyfriend called
Said: “Do you wanna have some fun?”
But I couldn’t tear myself away, I said:
“Yeah, but boy, you’re no the one!”
In my bedroom for three days, straight
Hadn’t seen the light of day
My friends stopped callin’ and my boyfriend left me
But I didn’t need him, anyway (Chorus):

(Bridge):
Cotton Candy pink - tastes real sweet
Cotton Candy pink - just can’t be beat
Cotton Candy pink - tastes real sweet
I got Cotton Candy pink all over the sheet

(Chorus Twice):
(Last line):
God, I think I’m goin’ blind!
Track Name: M-M-M-M-Masturbation
M-M-M-M-Masturbation
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Intro):
M-M-M-M-Masturbation – it’s a lot of fun!
M-M-M-M-Masturbation – it’s a party just for one!

(Verse 1):
You can do it if you’re a girl
You can do it if you’re a boy
You can do it with your hand
Or you can do it with a toy

(Gang Vocals):
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it …

(Verse 2):
Some use Vaseline, or K-Y, or shampoo
Or Lubriderm, or shaving gel, and Crisco works good too
If you have to use your after-shave, use just a little bit
And if you haven’t got any lotion, use a healthy dose of spit!

(Re-intro):
M-M-M-M-Masturbation – it’s a lot of fun!
M-M-M-M-Masturbation – it’s a party just for one!
(Verse 3):
You’s can do it if your poor
You can do it if you’re wealthy
The preacher says it’s evil
But the Doctor says it’s healthy ..

(Gang Vocals):
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it …

(Verse 4):
The J. C. Penny catalog used to do the trick
But now I’m into hardcore, even better if it’s sick
The other night the Disney Channel gave me the fidgets
There was animated babe up there with seven sadistic midgets ..

(Re-intro):
M-M-M-M-Masturbation – it’s a lot of fun!
M-M-M-M-Masturbation – it’s a party just for one!

(Verse 5):
You can do it if you’re old
You can do it if you’re young
You should see my dog, man
He can do it with his tongue ..

(Gang Vocals):
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it
Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it …

(Verse 6):
You can think about old girlfriends
Or women on the street
Or total strangers, or someone famous --
-- You’d really like to meet
When you think about models or movie stars
You’re sure to raise a blister
Hey Jonny, just the other night –
I was thinkin’ about your …
Track Name: Rosie
Rosie
Music & Lyrics by Jackson Browne & Donald Miller
©1999 Swallow Turn Music (ASCAP)
Used by permission (Mechanical License - HFA)

(Verse 1):
She was standing at the load-in
When the trucks rolled up
She was sniffing all around
Like a half grown female pup
She wasn’t hard to talk to
Looked like she had nowhere to go
So I gave her my pass
So she could get in and see the show

(Verse 2):
Well I sat her down right next to me
And I got her a beer
While I mixed that sound on stage
So the band could hear
The more I watched her watch them play
The less I could think of to say
And when they walked off stage
The drummer swept that girl away

(Chorus):
But rosie you’re all right -- you wear my ring
When you hold me tight -- rosie that’s my thing
When you turn out the light -- I’ve got to hand it to me
Looks like it’s me and you again tonight Rosie

(Verse 3):
Well I guess I might have known from the start
She’d come for a star
Might have told my imagination not to run too far
Of all the times that I’ve been burned
By now you’d think I’d have learned
That it’s who you look like
Not who you are

(Chorus)
But rosie you’re all right -- you wear my ring
When you hold me tight -- rosie that’s my thing
When you turn out the light -- I’ve got to hand it to me
Looks like it’s me and you again tonight Rosie
Track Name: Shower Massage
Shower Massage
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor & Jon Mark Lundell
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
When I come home from a Hard Days Night
I don’t need no conversation and I don’t wanna fight
My boyfriend and his buddies are down at the lodge
So I’ll be spendin’ the evening alone with my Shower Massage

(Verse 2):
I run a little hot water and I fill up the tub
I set the nozzle to pulse and then I start to rub
If only the damn thing could buy a corsage
I’d spend every evening alone with my Shower Massage

(Chorus):
Rub dub dub
Havin’ fun in the tub
Rub dub dub
Havin’ fun in the tub
I got a nuclear reactor out in my garage
It’s just a little somethin’
To power my Shower Massage

(Bridge):
I got a Shower massage - and it makes me tingle
Got a Shower Massage – oo I’m getting’ wrinkles
Got a Shower Massage – so I’ll be takin’ a dip
Me and my waterpik – perfect relationship!

(Chorus): -- (Killer Guitar Solo):

(Pre-Tag):
Shower Massage, Shower Massage
I just can’t live without my Shower Massage

(Last Chorus):
Rub dub dub
Havin’ fun in the tub
Rub dub dub
Havin’ fun in the tub
I got a nuclear reactor out in my garage
Ain’t got no problems that I’m tryin’ to dislodge
Spendin’ the evening alone
With my Shower Massage
(Guitar Solo Out..):
Track Name: Love Yourself
Love Yourself
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor, Jon Mark Lundell, Melissa McPhail, Shannon Massey, Kimberly Meador & Sheila Champion
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
Everybody wants love
Every body wants passion
But there’s one kind of love
That never goes out of fashion
You can Love Yourself into the night
You can Love Yourself until the mornin’ light
You gotta Love Yourself
And I mean with passion

(Chorus):
You gotta Love Yourself
You gotta Love Yourself
How you ever gonna love anybody else
If at first you don’t learn to love yourself
You gotta Love Yourself
Ooo you gotta Love Yourself

(Verse2):
Everybody wants love
Everybody wants feeling
And there’s one kind of love
That never loses its meaning
Tonight get out your toys
Don’t be afraid to make some noise
You gotta Love Yourself
And I mean with feeling (Chorus):

(Bridge):
Be kind to yourself
If you’re saint or you’re a sinner
Be nice to yourself
Take yourself out to dinner
Bring yourself home
Invite yourself inside
Turn out the lights
And have a good time … (Chorus):
Track Name: Party In My Pants
Party In My Pants
Music & Lyrics by Andy Harris, Dallas Doctor & Jon Mark Lundell
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
I’m a little behind
And I want to unwind
Where can I go to beat this grief?
A man’s gotta do
What he’s gotta do
Like a thief, I need relief
I found a place
Clean and safe
And so I started rockin’
I was havin’ fun
Before I was done
Somebody came a-knockin’

(Chorus):
There’s a Party In My Pants
And everybody’s comin’
They always interrupt me
Just when I’m really hummin’
Why can’t they understand
I only need release
Go away goddammit
Why can’t I come in peace?

(Verse 2):
I got all alone
I was safe at home
I was droolin’ down my chin
I had perma-grin
My Mom burst in
She said: “Son, that’s a sin!” (Chorus):

(Verse 3):
So now I’m stuck
And out of luck
But I’m not one to beg
So I started over
And Rover came over
Started humpin’ on my leg …

(Spoken):
“You know, if I was the only person on this whole and entire planet
All alone - aliens would come down from outer space and interrupt me
But you know what I’d tell them?
You know what I’d say to them?
(Chorus):
Track Name: Bad Monkey
Bad Monkey
Music & Lyrics by Dan Bauman & Dallas Doctor
©1999 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
The great gorilla got away from the zoo
The keeper said there’s nothin’ that he could do.
So keep your children away, keep ‘em safe from the harm
Cuz there’s a Bad Monkey, so sound the alarm

(Verse 2):
Down at the school, the whole story spread
Keep away from that monkey, cuz he’s out of his head
He could make you go crazy, he could ruin your grades
So keep away or your gonna need a cane, dog, and shades

(Chorus 1):
Cuz he’s a (Bad) Bad Monkey
You can pop him, or drop him, but you ain’t gonna stop him
(Bad) Bad Monkey

(Verse 3):
On Sunday the sermon was unusually scary
Preacher said, like the monkey, your hands’ll get hairy
It could cost you your soul, or your home in the sky
So keep away from that monkey, or the angels will cry.

(Chorus 2):
Cuz he’s a (Bad) Bad Monkey
You can flank him, or yank him, but you still gotta spank him
(Bad) Bad Monkey

(Bridge):
Your parents and teachers
Your policemen and preachers
Will always try to keep you in line
As for me and my monkey
We’re gonna get funky
Keep your lies to yourself
This monkey is mine!

(Bass Solo):

(Chorus 3):
Cuz he’s a (Bad) Bad Monkey
You can pop him, or drop him, but you ain’t gonna stop him
(Bad) Bad Monkey
You can flank him, or yank him, but you still gotta spank him
(Bad) Bad Monkey
Bad Monkey
(Bad) Bad Monkey
Track Name: James Bond
James Bond
Music & Lyrics by Dallas Doctor
©1996 Wild Moose Music (BMI)

(Verse 1):
He’s got the looks
He’s got the libido
He’s got a license to kill
And a scuba-tuxedo
He can take out the bad guys
He don’t have to think
He’s got a smoke bomb, five-alarm
Two-way cufflink
Bond – James Bond!

(Verse 2):
He keeps cool
He never is flustered (he keeps cool – He’s so cool)
He’s got a bullet-proof suit
With a nuclear thruster (ooo – a nuclear thruster)
Yeah, his credit is good
All over the world
He travels first-class
And always gets the girl
Bond – James Bond!

(Bridge):
He’s “Double-O-Seven”
He Double-O-Fine! (Double-O-Fine!)
He orders in French
And knows the right wine
He can party all night
Man, he’s the master
And in his spare time
He’ll save the planet from disaster
Bond – James Bond!

(Verse 3):
So if you’re lookin’ for a hero
James is your man (James Bond – Ooo James Bond)
He’s got Q for little gadgets
And M for masterplan (Little gadgets – Masterplan)
And when the mission is over
He has the final word
He likes his women
“Shaken, not stirred.”
Bond – James Bond!

(Repeat Bridge):

Bond – James Bond!